I Got Me a Big Coffee Mug

CHORUS
I got me a big coffee mug.
The biggest one I could find.
I got me a big coffee mug.
Gotta open up my mind.

VS1
I put some coffee inside you.
It's still too hot to drink.
In the freezer I found ice cubes.
But I spilled them in the sink.

I could add cold water.
But then you'd be dilute.
And I love your dark richness.
On that I'm resolute.

VS2
I partied much too hard.
Then passed out in my bed.
F this early morning.
And the pounding in my head.

You help me through my day.
I'm focused and alert.
I only get dismayed...
When I spill you on my shirt.

A Lovely Assistant

I don't want you to be my Valentine.
In fact I think that'd be a waste of time.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn't really mind...
If you were my lovely assistant.

It's not that you don't have a pretty face.
You kind of do, I am willing to say.
I am sure there's lotsa guys who think you're a babe.
But I am a little resistant...

I really wanna saw you in half.
Shock everybody and have a good laugh.
I have no problem sexploiting your ass.
You're not my type but I'm digging your sass.

I can't make a case there's no one hotter than you.
There's not many chicks that can fill your shoes.
All of my friends tell me I'm such a fool.
But I gotta put on the brakes.

I think about kissing your ruby lips.
I think about rocking your saucy hips.
Even if you were into leashes and whips...
Well, then I might not hesitate.

I really wanna saw you in half.
Shock everybody and have a good laugh.
I have no problem sexploiting your ass.
You're not my type but I'm digging your sass.

Unimpressed by Epic

There's a company in Madison called Epic. They are hyped up as being some kind of unique employer with this sprawling "campus," and they definitely employ a good chunk of the available Madison workforce, from what I can tell through friends who work there. SO that's cool. I can't say how fun it is to work there. But I was going to give them an opportunity to show me. I applied for a technical writing job there.

I was rejected. Now, I am sure they had their reasons for nixing me. But if you know me, you know what a huge mistake they made. It's neither here nor there for me, actually. I am currently gainfully employed and this was just an experiment. I doubt they would have been able to match or beat my current unbelievable salary (unbelievably big for what I do in exchange, although I do love my easy work), but it was worth the effort. To tell you the truth, I kind of breezed through their online "entrance exam" in about 9 minutes (suggested to take 30 to 45 minutes), but I have no tolerance for hoops of any kind, as you know, and that may very well be what they were expecting me to jump through. If they are looking for hoop jumpers, then, yes, they should not hire me. I have no problem doing solid meaningful work, but useless hoops are for idiots.

The urban myth, if it is in fact a myth, is that this company generally hires desperate 20-somethings, then underpays and overworks them until they burn out and move on to normal jobs. I give them credit for marketing themselves as a prestigious Madison workplace. But if they are going to pass on the best, albeit overage, tech writer in Madison, well, that about says it all. It doesn't really matter what your business model is if you pass up the best, right? Quality clearly not job one.

Last Wednesday night, I went to Madison Nerd Night at the High Noon Saloon and one of the presenters was billed as an Epic employee. He was indeed a 20-something. He left a lot to be desired as far as his presentation though. I mean, it was a fun time, thanks to beer, but I felt kind of bad for the chap. He rambled and lost the audience pretty quickly on his topic. It didn't seem like he did the necessary research and he never really brought his presentation to closure, linking Game Theory to human communication. I think he was actually wrong about the logic of Game Theory. I can only hope he was not a tech writer at Epic, because his mental wanderings would not be well suited to technical user guides that make sense. That sounds harsh. That was not my intent. I am sure he is a great worker when he does not have to stand on a stage in front of 500 or so local area nerds and make his case rationally and engagingly. That would be intimidating.

I have nothing especially bad to say about Epic or their employees, other than that because they passed me up, they are unimpressive as an employer thus far. One could argue they thought maybe I wasn't serious, but there is no way they could have actually known that (except maybe my high speed "hoop exam" completion mentioned above). But I am open to them building a better case for themselves. I am going to present at Madison Nerd Night one of these months. Come on down and see how it's done.

I fully expect to receive some comments on this post, both positive and negative. I am most curious to see how constructively Epic people respond. I honestly have no hard feelings. I just want to learn more about this overhyped organization. What makes it special that people want to prostitute themselves creatively there?

Note that this blog post has been embedded with many subliminal messages, so if you have read it all, your mind is now in my control for anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. You might want to wait a little while before responding to this post, otherwise, I can pretty much predict your response. See ya!