Trump's New Reality TV Show...

...is called How Badly Can I Fuck Up the United States?

So far he is winning big.

Walmart to Host Rare 26 Hour "Black Hole" Friday Sale

In an effort to maximize Black Friday profits and edge out the competition, Walmarts across the country will harness a rarely used law of physics to keep their doors open for a time-busting 26 hours on Friday November 25th.

"Last year we noticed that several of our stores in geographic regions with large morbidly obese populations, one of our primary demographics, like Mississippi, had more hours of sales than there are hours in a day," said Tom Schiller, a spokesperson for Walmart. "We couldn't make sense of that until we were approached by a quantum physicist who speculated that these stores might be experiencing a relativistic phenomenon where concentrated areas of high mass actually warp the fabric of the universe, slowing down time."

This year, by densely packing America's heaviest people into stores, Walmart will create small areas of extreme human mass, thus generating pockets of higher gravity than the surrounding areas. Anxious holiday shoppers are unofficially calling the event "Black Hole Friday."

"Because of Einstein's Theory of General Relativity, time actually moves more slowly in these regions of high gravity," said Seth Rheingold, a physicist contracted by Walmart to optimize space-time for the best customer shopping experience on Black Friday. "To observers in the parking lot, customers inside the store will appear to be moving more slowly, even though these customers will perceive time normally within the store. Once customers leave the gravitational sink inside a Walmart store, they will find they still have a couple of additional hours left for any other holiday shopping they need to do."

Walmart officials are cautioning eager customers not to rush to get into their local Walmarts for Black Friday deals. "Our biggest concern for our most popular stores is generating too much relativistic time warping," Rheingold said. "It is theoretically possible that having too many high mass people in such a small area could actually create so much gravity that an event horizon will form around the store, similar to a black hole, and literally trap customers inside until well after Christmas, which would kind of defeat the purpose of early holiday shopping anyway. So just take your time, because that's something Walmart customers will uniquely have a great deal more of on Black Friday."

Some obesity advocacy groups have criticized Walmart for exploiting overweight people and have threatened legal action.

"We love our rotund customers and are simply making the best use of a natural phenomenon," Schiller said in response to these criticisms. "We couldn't offer these extra hours of Black Friday savings without these massive people. They are our bread and butter, and you better believe we will be offering some special savings 'by the pound' just for them."

Why America Will Be An Intolerable Place to Drive Under a Trump Presidency


You probably have already noticed it if you do any significant amount of driving on the roads where you live...there are way more dickheaded drivers driving since election day. There have always been these kinds of drivers, but since the surprise election of Donald Trump as POTUS, the number of them has been rising meteorically. This is not coincidence nor your imagination. It's a direct result of Donald Trump's win on election day. Here's why...

Trump's candidacy brought a lot of douchebags out of the woodwork: misogynists, racists, rapists, ethnocentrists, Christian religious extremists, homophobes, and several other subgroups collectively known as "haters." Trump gave voice and a perceived legitimacy to these kinds of people. After all, if a hater can viably run for President, then hating must be legit right? Wrong. But that is neither here nor there. The point is that the haters felt legitimized, and feelings are all that really matter in the fabricated reality TV universe we now live in (Thanks, Kim Kardashian!). The Corporate Mainstream Media certainly seemed to think Trump was legit. However, Trump was never expected to win, even by a lot of his own more reality-based supporters. When he did, Trump supporters and non-supporters alike went off the deep end completely. Trump supporters now had full licence not just to think and say hateful things, but even to DO them. Trump's win has given his supporters a sort of hate mandate (a mand-hate, if you will...) and they now have a sense of superiority that you can expect them to fully exercise in public, such as on the roads.

Conversely, just about everyone who was and is not a Trump supporter is super feckin' pissed off and angry post election day. Their fuses are short and they have a lot of inner angst to work through, especially Hillary Clinton supporters, whose candidate pretty much failed them (she should have trounced Trump handily but she played her 1% elitist card too soon and alienated a lot of independents and progressives).

When these two groups of people - Trump supporting haters and angry as hell, though otherwise goodhearted, liberals - take to the roadways, it's a recipe for pain. Trump supporters translate their perceived legitimacy and superiority into aggressive douchebaggy driving (weaving their Audis in and out of traffic or riding their gigantic gas guzzling pickup trucks - in honor of Trump's small hand size - right up on your rear bumper), whilst angry and resentful liberals, more prone to passive-aggressive lashing out, might drive painfully slowly or indecisively, or give you the stink eye for no good reason. You can probably see that this combination is a recipe for some intolerably shitty assed driving on America's roadways.

For the rest of us who just want to drive from point A to point B as conveniently and hassle free as possible, the best option is to avoid these types of drivers as best you can. When you see such drivers, keep your distance or take an alternate route if you can. If a douchey Trumpie driver in a souped up Hummer tailgates you ridiculously close, gradually slow down to a safe speed to ensure you don't get rear ended. Sure an accident would totally be the Trump supporter's fault but you don't need the headache of dealing with car damage and police reports and your insurance going up. Plus, slowing down will put the brakes on their bullying behavior and force them to take evasive measures, like coal rolling past you, engines ablaze. When they go by, wave at them and smile to thank them for getting the hell out of your comfort zone (this will, ironically, infuriate them). When you see angry liberals creating traffic hazards by, say, stopping on busy thoroughfares to altruistically let pedestrians jay walk, keep a level head and just wait out their overcompensation. Keep an ample distance between your car and the one ahead in case other lefty drivers swoop in to save their small slice of America.

As an Uber driver, I am more cognizant of the subtle effects of various factors on traffic conditions. For example, I have noticed that drivers tend to be significantly nicer and better behaved during the morning commute than during the evening one. This is because morning drivers have not yet been totally aggravated by a full day of workplace bullshit and might be content with their good sleep the night before and a belly full of breakfast and coffee. But evening drivers just want to escape said workplace bullshit as quickly as possible so they can get home and drown their misery in booze or mindless televised entertainment. They don't want anyone to get in their way and they'll let you know it if you do. I remember when I worked at the vitamin company several years ago. If you left work at the same time as the Customer Service people did, you walked across the parking lot at your peril. After a day of politely talking to bitchy (likely Trump supporting) customers, to say the CS folks left work in "mood" is an understatement. Once they got in their cars, it was pedal to the metal and may God have mercy on your soul if you got in their path.

The Internet Has Caused Three Bad Things

The Internet has:

1. Made people dumber.
2. Made people douchier.
3. Made people lazier.

There is some, albeit rare, good information on the Internet. That's why it's so odd that people seem to want to get their information from inaccurate memes and unverifiable sources. They tend to access information selectively that reinforces their pre-existing beliefs about the world and universe. This serves to solidify erroneous beliefs, making it much harder to educate people about reality. The more you use the Internet for information, the structurally dumber you become, though this state is reversible.

For whatever reason, a lot of people are douchebags in the Internet, even if they are nice people in real life. Just look at the comments on any controversial article posted on the Internet. People devolve into insulting each other or other groups rather than intelligently discussing the topic at hand. This ties into #1 above, because as people become less and less able to accept information contrary to their beliefs, they instinctively lash out against any info that disrupts the internal consistency of their world view. Some people take them at face value because they were posted on a trusted friend's Facebook wall, for example, even though that friend may have in turn got it from a discredited source. The originator of the post might have been someone you don't know and should not trust. This goes back to people gravitating toward information on the Internet that they want to believe, rather than that which is factually true.

The solution to these problems is very simple. Stop or greatly reduce your exposure to the Internet. However, this is far more difficult than it sounds. The Internet is useful for a lot of thing, like finding a good Thai restaurant, for example. But even as you are researching Asian eateries, you may be distracted by useless information on the Internet. Internet information merchants are masters of baiting people into consuming their tangential information (hence the term "click bait"). Never fall for memes that have tag lines like, "and you won't believe what happened next." Trust me, you will believe what happened next and you'll be nonplussed, maybe even a little disappointed. But psychologically, you are now primed to click on the next click bait meme that comes along because you are seeking the elusive reward that the first meme did not provide, like a rat pressing a lever repeatedly because it believes that one of those lever presses will eventually yield a reward. Internet memes offer you just enough reward to keep you perpetually clicking and continuously unsatisfied.

In Retrospect, Hillary Clinton Probably Should Have Had Bernie Sanders as VP

Hindsight is 20/20, but we learned a few things from this Presidential election. First off, populism won yesterday, and that can be viewed as a positive thing. In this case it was harnessed by diabolical forces for evil. The Republicans milked populism for all it was worth. The Democrats failed to recognize the power of populism and they paid dearly. Bernie Sanders was the populist choice on the left and the DNC should have recognized his unexpected success in the primaries for what it was...populism. But they opted for the status quo, the safe, low risk path. No risk, no reward.

Hillary Clinton should have asked Sanders to be her VP. He's already a senator and being VP would have given him a lot of power in the Senate, like the ability to break tie votes in favor of progressive values. He also would have kept Clinton honest. But most importantly, he would have given Clinton some populist cred. Sanders supporters who voted 3rd party or not at all might have voted for a Clinton/Sanders ticket. But Tim Kaine? WTF? She garnered no additional votes with the white male milquetoast status quo pick. I still have no idea who Kaine is or even if I am spelling his name right for that matter.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, and I am sure you will, but he was diabolically brilliant in his performance as a Presidential candidate, completely harnessing angry fearful populism to his evil ends. The man is not stupid. He is evil and narcissistic, but not dumb. He played America for suckers in a way that would make P.T. Barnum blush.

I am no political pundit, so take this analysis for what it's worth. I am clearly no less wrong than the people who get paid to be pundits because they were all wrong. Trump's trademark slogan should be directed at the corporate mainstream media pundits: "You're fired!"

I hope the DNC fires their pundits and policy wonks and finds a way to tap the spigot of populism, because after Trump has his druthers in the White House, people are going to be looking for a populist savior. I hope the DNC does not miss their chance in four years because that would be weak sauce and America is through with weak sauce.

Pre-Planning for a Trump Presidency

CONGRESS

Hey, losers. You might want to put your heads together over the next couple months and put a few laws in place that restrict the President's ability to launch nuclear weapons. Because right now, the President has that sole and completely unregulated authority, and it's not entirely clear Mr. Trump understands that nukes are intended only as a deterrent (i.e., they serve the world better when NOT used). Mr. Trump also has an ornery disposition and he does not take criticism or insults well. Just sayin'. He lives in a TV reality where bombs only kill the bad guys.

OBAMACARE RECIPIENTS

Eat healthy and go to the gym. A lot. Take vitamins.

MUSLIM AMERICANS

Run! Just put on your sneakers and fuckin' run. Go to Canada or pretty much anywhere else. Even Iraq will be better than here in about two months.

UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS

Marry an American citizen and pop off an anchor baby as soon as you can. I hear there will be lots of low wage wall building jobs soon.

AFRICAN AMERICANS

Avoid areas known to be frequented by police, such as streets.

WOMEN

Brush up on episodes of Mad Men and prepare for all out pussy grabbing. But don't get knocked up!

MILLENIALS

I got nothing. Sorry your future was snatched from you. I guess we all assumed more of you would vote. Our bad. I'd suggest nomadically touring Europe for a while, maybe working as a barrista here and there to pay your way.

Things Were Going So Well...


This morning, I awoke in a hellish nightmare landscape where Bill Maher called it exactly right. Fear and hate prevailed and the terrorists won.

Things were going so well. My life was good. I was happy and secure and free under Obama.
In two months that will all change as a buffoonish narcissistic dictator assumes the White House and the United States of America is effectively beheaded.

My partner Deborah and I have two months to determine our next move, which likely involves a move to Australia.

I'd like to give you my analysis of what happened...but fuck it. America chose doom and there's not much I can say that will make a bit of difference. Read the book "On the Beach" if you want a basic, albeit fictional, overview.
My deepest sympathies to the millenials. Sorry your future was truncated.

Dear Millenials

You should vote.

You have your whole lives ahead of you and the decisions you make today affect your future.

Don't fuck it up.

Doomed

Yes, you should vote. Probably for Hillary Clinton. Definitely not for Donald Trump.

But in the grand scheme, it's really too little too late at this point.

The fact that Donald Trump was even nominated for Republican POTUS is proof enough that American democracy is in rapid decline, much less that the race for the White House is as close as it is (mainstream mass media and their corporate advertising overlords are directly to blame for that: no horse race = low ratings/viewers). Clinton should be crushing this thing.

But this is what you get when you defund and dismantle public education (history, science, civics, democracy, math, etc.) and social infrastructure (socialism) for 30+ years. The smoker who gets cancer after 30 years of smoking 2 packs a day should not take the diagnosis as an unexpected shock. And at that point, it's too late...the patient is probably going to die short of a miracle.

That sounds pessimistic, but I'm actually optimistic that maybe this will wake people up. But if we keep on smoking after the cancer diagnosis, forget about it.