Three Decades of Social Media Still Unable to Produce Anything More Useful Than a Cat Meme

Every so often I give social media a quick look to see if it has produced anything useful whatsoever yet.

It still hasn't. Cat memes are still the highest level of intellect it can produce.

The Constitutional Crisis

I thought at first the constitutional crisis might not happen until after Donald Trump gets inaugurated, but now I am thinking it may be sooner.

My original thought was that the Executive Branch would go into crisis once Trump and his hand-picked cronies get into the White House and realize they are completely unprepared for the task at hand.

However, after allegations by the CIA that Russia hacked the election in favor of Mr. Trump, it appears we are smack dab in the middle of the constitutional crisis right now, because the legitimacy of the Presidential election itself is now in question.

On the bright side, this current crisis is easily fixable, without the difficultiez that would exist after Inauguration Day. One solution is for the Electoral College to act in the way it was constitutionally designed to work. The forefathers did not trust the public to behave in a rational and fair manner - mostly rightly so - and so they made allowances for Electors to have the final say and fix biases and discrepancies. They are in fact duty bound to do so. They could honor the popular vote and cast their electoral votes for Hillary Clinton, or at the very least abstain from voting for Trump, which could swing the election in Mrs. Clinton's favor if enough of them did so.

That would be the least extreme remedy to the current constitutional crisis. A more extreme and difficult one would be to hold new elections, though there is little guarantee that the same problems that plagued the first run through would not happen again, particularly tampering with voting machines.

Remedying the constitutional crisis of an unfit President after Inauguration Day is uglier. Mike Pence could declare Donald Trump unfit and with the blessing of Congress basically sack Trump and become President himself. That would be a disaster.

Other crisis resolution measures probably exist. What do you suggest, dear reader? The only certainty is that a constitutional crisis is at hand, no matter how you look at it.


Hanz toyed with the jump drive in his trouser pocket as he waited for the portly election official, Ted Kearney, to sort through his ring of keys and open the door to the room in the Waukesha County Courthouse that housed the electronic voting machines for most of the polling places in the county.

"Here we go," Kearney said inserting a key into the deadbolt and pushing open the door to the windowless room. "Now I hope you understand that I'll need to be present while you're updating the machines."

"Understood," Hanz said with a smile and a nod. This is almost too easy, he thought. "All I need to do is upload the new code from this jump drive." He pulled the certified drive from his breast pocket and dangled it in front of Kearney like a hypnotist mesmerizing his subject. "It only takes about a minute to do one machine. What are forty macines here?"

"Sixty two," said Kearney. "So about an hour then?"

The man looked a little nervous to Hanz.

"Something the matter?" Hanz asked.

"Well, I'm a little emarassed to mention it, but I've got a bit of a prostate thing," Kearney said sheepishly. "It's got me running to the john pretty regular. I'm just trying to work it so I don't have to interrupt you while you're doing your thing, but I can already tell I'm gonna get the call here in a few minutes..."

Hanz held up his hand. "Look these jump drives pretty much do my work for me," Hanz said. "If you need to go, I can step out in the hall and wait. Not a problem, as long as I get to Brookfield by noon."

"Alright then. Much appreciated," said Kearney.

"For now, if you don't mind, maybe you can help me boot up some of these machines for me some time?" Hanz inquired.

"I can handle flipping a switch," Kearney said. "Beyond that any computerized stuff is way over my head."

"I'll start with this one," Hanz said, picking up one of the black metallic laptop-sized voting machines and flipping up its digital screen. "You just press this Power button. Go on down the line and turn on as many as you can."

The chubby election official did as he was told. Hanz put the machine he was holding on one of the desks that lined the wall of the room and pulled a chair up to it. The machines were ugly no frills affairs that ran simple programs to record and tally votes. They slotted into the voting booths via specialized 10 pin ports. Although the devices had USB ports, these were inaccessible while the machines were ported to the voting booth. But they were freely available to cleared Election Commission officials like Hanz.

Once the device had completely booted up, Hanz glanced over at Kearney to ensure the man was preoccupied with his task. Then he quickly reached into his pants pocket and withdrew the dummy jump drive, identical in every way to the certified one in the breast pocket of his shirt, and slotted it into the USB port on the side of the box. There was no indication that anything was happening until a pop-up window appeared about a minute later that said System updated. No risk found.

Hanz sighed with relief knowing that the hacked code had successfully installed.

Kearney was about halfway through turning on the other machines as Hanz began the upload to a second machine.

"Everything OK?" Kearney inquired merrily from across the room.

"Right as rain," Hanz said. "No bugs apparently."

"That's a relief," Kearney said. The man made three runs to the restroom before Hanz finished all the machines.

When the last machine was done, Hanz palmed the dummy jump drive, an old trick he'd learned as an amateur magician years earlier, and held the certified drive out to Kearney.

"All done," Hanz said. "Now you keep this locked up somewhere safe until after the election in case of an audit."

Kearney took the drive. "Yep. We put it in the wall safe right here," Kearney said walking over to a keypad coded door on one of the walls of the room. He pressed a few of the numbered keys with his chubby fingers and pulled the door open to reveal the sizeable interior of a felt lined security safe similar to one you might find in a hotel or on a cruise ship. It didn't look very secure to Hanz, but he didn't care. His work was done.

After Hanz had left the courthouse he dropped the dummy jump drive on the concrete of the parking lot and ground it to shreds with the heel of his foot. He had several more in the glove compartment of his car and if all went well he would have hacked several election precincts in Wisconsin by the end of the day. Hanz got in his car, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed a number.

It rang a couple times and then someone answered. "Grossman. Who's this?" said his client, Glenn Grossman, a hardcore conservative Wisconsin state legislator.

"Klemmer," said Hanz. "It's done."

"Any issues?" Grossman asked.

"Clean," Hanz said.

"You know the protocol," Grossman said. "Payment will be direct deposited within 24 hours. This conversation never happened. The Fourth Reich thanks you for your service. Heil Fuhrer Trump."

"Heil Trump," Hanz replied and hung up.

Author's Note: This is fiction.

Study Finds Most of Society's Problems Caused by 3Ds

Contact: Joe Leonard,

Madison WI, December 1, 2016 - In a recent study, scientists observing human society have concluded that 99% of society's problems derive from three main groups of people: douchebags, dumbsh!ts, and drama kings/queens (dubbed "the 3Ds").

"Douchebags are individuals who willfully enjoy stirring sh!t up and dumbsh!ts are individuals who unwittingly eff sh!t up," said Dr. Mason Scott, principal investigator on the multi-year study of the world's societies that looked at the underlying causes of the world's effed up sh!t. "Drama kings and queens are the specific subset of individuals who cannot survive without a bunch of effed up sh!t happening in their lives, so they in turn spawn more of the former two groups. Together, these three groups cause 99% of society's problems. The remaining 1% of society's problems stem from natural disasters that are beyond human control."

An example cited in the study was the drinking water lead poisoning in Flint MI.

"There you had an example of douchebags doing some bad sh!t to people on purpose and then dumbsh!ts effing the sh!t up even more," said Doris Runkimflunch, an overworked and exploited graduate student who culled thousands of news reports for the study. "Their was douchebaggy racism and greed that catalyzed the problem, followed by complete and total ball dropping by dumbsh!t EPA regulators, the Justice Department, and the corporate mainstream media. Then you had drama kings making all kinds of wild conspiracy theories that just effed everything completely up."

One of the 2020 underdog Party Party candidates for President of the United States, Cactus Joe, has integrated the results of this highly scientific study into his policy on fighting domestic terrorism.

"When I'm elected by write-in voting in 2020 (you know...because I am against money in politics of any kind), one of my first acts after inauguration will be to turn Guantanamo Bay Cuba into a detention center for known douchebags, dumbsh!ts, and drama kings and queens," Cactus said. "Don't get me will not be a prison. In fact, I want it to be a tropical island paradise, completely non-punitive and with free booze and luxuries (you know...cuz I'm not a douchebag). It will be quite pleasant and the 3D people can excercise their douchy dumbsh!t drama freely there, but away from normal society. If they give up their 3D ways, they can return to their homes."

Critics have pointed out that Guantanamo Bay would be far too small to house the more than half of the world's population that would initially fall into the 3Ds classification. Cactus Joe refutes this but has proposed a backup plan.

"I am in talks with Australia about renting out a good part of their country for the overflow," Cactus said. "It would be kind of a halfway house for recovering 3Ds. The place was once a penal colony for British douchebags and dumbsh!ts, and most of the land mass is currently uninhabited. It wouldn't be quite as nice as Cuba as far as tropical island paradises go, but it is still an island that is far away from most people, and the brutal heat and poisonous animals would encourage 3Ds to quickly normalize in order to get away from those threats."

The Australians have said the cost for such a plan would exceed the world's GDP by about one million fold because the Aussie's don't like the idea of douchebags and dumbsh!ts swarming their country either.